Another cold morning

Good day to stay home and work on data analysis and other dissertation related stuff. I am finding some interesting results so I should still be on track to finish later this year. No real news today. /dps

Brrrrmidji...

Just up stoking the fire in the woodstove...-33 F at this hour! Filled the basement woodbox yesterday and its already half empty. That amount of wood usually lasts almost three days; on the other hand, our furnace has kicked on only briefly since Monday. Needless to say, our woodpile is fast disappearing so hopefully warmer weather and signs of spring aren't too far away. /dps

Radiation complete!

Had my last session under the mask this morning! What a relief. The staff in Dr. Bollinger's office were great and they presented me with a certificate-suitable-for-framing acknowledging completion of the radiation therapy. I also have my mask for a potential Halloween costume or a ceremonial bonfire sacrifice. Met with Dr. Bollinger and again came away feeling that eveything is on track. Unfortunately, I now have to wait until mid-April for my followup CT scans and sessions with my doctors. Could feel like a very long 12 weeks.

Tried playing a little basketball last night. My wind and stamina were better than expected but my legs felt like rubber and I didn't last long. I did accomplish my personal goal -- a triple single -- a basket, a rebound, and an assist before giving up for the evening; despite my Kevin Garnet hairstyle I still can't dunk! Getting back up to speed physically is going to be a long, slow process but I am planning to develop some sort of regular schedule for the gym. Hopefully, I be ready to pull my weight when our annual BWCA trip rolls around in mid-May.

Brother-in-law Bruce apparently had a successful surgery at Mayo on Monday. Sounds like the process took almost 12 hours under the knife since it was such complicated and careful process. Lenore talked with him yesterday and he is in good spirits though quite sore both at the site of the main surgery as well as on his arm and leg where skin was taken for reconstructing facial tissue. He will remain hospitalized at least through Friday.

On top of everything else, we now have a sick dog -- apparently another Clostridium infestation which leads to several days of bloody diarrhea (a disgusting mess to clean up); appears to be a consequence of her equally disgusting habit of eating horse droppings out at La Terra. Also discovered this morning that my pickup is leaking some mystery fluid so I'd better sign off for now and shift into maintenance mode. /dps

Never a dull moment...

Had another radiation session this morning (two to go) and then headed off to my first class of Spring Semester at the U of M. Thought about just staying home due to the very snowy weather but my friend Kathy Meyer was going down for a Natalie McMaster concert so we decided to ride together. We made it as far as Akeley where I ended up spinning out in my pickup and landing in the ditch with the truck tipped up on its side :- ( No injuries but significant damage to my vehicle -- two tires rolled off the rims and dents on the passenger side. By the time we got pulled out of the ditch, transported the truck to Walker and had the tires fixed it was after 3:00 so we just headed back to Bemidji. Better luck next week.

On a more serious note, Lenore's brother Bruce is at Mayo in Rochester undergoing a complex surgical procedure (Mohs surgery) for squamous cell carcinoma. Last we heard he was still in surgery (eight plus hours after it began). Hopefully we will get a call yet tonight to know how things went -- look for an update tomorrow. /dps

Any Day: Now

Choices and chances enfold us in another changing year –
earth spins round a cosmos void perhaps of meaning sound
save songs and stories, human voices, brief but clear.

We burst to life and too soon to doubt of now and here
as we covet beyond and pursue purposes more profound,
choices and chances enfold us in another changing year.

No universal compass found, adrift in existential fear,
no map, no plan, no clue to where our lives are bound
save songs and stories, human voices, brief but clear.

New babe cries, parent dies, sadness muddles mixed with cheer,
we try and err and rise and fall, as tragicomic tales surround –
choices and chances enfold us in another changing year...

We grow and learn and know that death is all too near,
so let us build our monuments of meaning on earthly ground
saving songs and stories, human voices, brief but clear.

To all that have ears, let them hear!
In shared words is universal purpose made and found.
Choices and chances enfold us in another changing year:
Save songs and stories, human voices, brief but clear.

I wrote this villanelle in December and just learned that it has been accepted for publication (I'll believe it when I actually see it in print!)

Time horizons

One of my most pervasive feelings over the past few months has involved dramatic and often disconcerting shifts in time horizons. Immediately following my diagnosis I wondered if I would even see Spring so my horizons ended with the next sunset. Indeed, if untreated, people sometimes succumb to this particular lymphoma in a matter of months. Once bone biopsies and other test indicated that my tumor was Stage I and thus that I had a favorable prognosis for recovery (and even complete cure) my time horizon extended dramatically toward 'what do I want to do with the second half of my life?' For some reason lately I have come think in 3-5 year increments -- still in the context of a longer term perspective but also more deeply cognizant of what I am doing at the moment. Not a bad thing...perhaps one of those aspects of the cancer experience that can 'make you a better person' (as I have heard often lately). /dps PS: another easy day under the mask...just three to go!

Counting down...

A couple pretty easy days as far as the anxiety attacks go...seems that a 45 minute wait after my sedative is about optimal for an "enjoyable" experience under the mask. For some reason, I found myself especially amazed by the radiation technology today. Chemo somehow seems crudely unfocused by comparison. As the "gun" rotates rather consistently and precisely around my head lining up for the next shot I end up feeling very confident that the radiation is doing its job. I was also struck this morning by how nice it is to have the technology right here in Bemidji. Several years ago when my friend Judy went through a similar treatment she had to make daily trips to Fargo for several weeks. This morning I left the house at 8:55 and was back home by 9:20!

Another cold and wintery day here so I plan to load up the woodstove and keep working on data entry and data analysis. I should have all the data from the pre-course surveys entered in by late this afternoon. Then I can play around with assessing general relationships and testing some hypotheses. Once that is underway I'll post some preliminary findings here just to let folks know what I am up to. One interesting item for starters -- it appears that women have significantly lower scores than men on ecological knowledge but have significantly better scores than men for environmental responsible behaviors. If that pattern holds, it may merit a dissertation chapter and perhaps even a paper.

Let's see...other news...Caleigh is rehearsing here tonight for their Saturday gig at the local Pipers Robert Burns supper (complete with haggis I hear); James and I will probably run out to the curling club for an hour or so tonight so the band can practice in peace (James likes to provide rhythm and vocal (dis) harmony whenever the chance allows). I am really missing curling and am hoping to at least get the chance to sub a few times over the coming months. Also, we moved into the 21st century with our computer yesterday and now have a DSL line so we can be on the phone and internet at the same time. This well be a great help with both our cape business and with my on-line classes. Time to get to work... /dps

Two thirds done!

Twelve radiations behind me, six to go. I'll be glad when next Wednesday has come and gone. The chemo treatments were much worse individually but the effects seemed to subside a bit after a few days; with almost daily radiation the side effects seem to keep accumulating with each session. My tongue and mouth are getting awfully sore and are dry all the time plus the loss of taste gets more complete every day. Today at supper I couldn't even taste a fairly heavy dose of fresh ground pepper! Oh well, as long as this process works I guess it is a relatively small price to pay. It will be interesting to see how long it will take for my sense of taste to recover...I've heard a wide variety of reports...from a couple weeks to almost a year. Time to go read a bedtime story with James (we started on the complete stories of Winnie the Pooh a couple nights ago...a lot of words and not many pictures but he seems to really like it). Sweet dreams..../dps

I can't taste my beer...

...or anything else! Actually a few tastes still come through but overall nothing tastes quite right. We went to the Knights of Columbus pancake breakfast at St. Phillips this morning and, had I been blindfolded, I am not sure I would have known what I was eating (no offense to the cooks). Fortunately, coffee tastes pretty good so I can still enjoy my morning jump start. Having the weekend off from radiation is a welcome relief in some ways but with the end in sight I'd just as soon have treatments seven days a week and get it over with that much quicker.

Worked on dissertation data analysis for a few hours yesterday. The preliminary results look pretty interesting but I have a mountain of data entry in front of me. Overall, results appear to be generally consistent with my primary hypothesis but are rich in unanticipated insights as well. What I am attempting to do statistically would have been nightmarish (if not impossible) a decade or so ago (when I "should" have been finishing my so-called appropriate "terminal degree"), even with access to a mainframe computer. Now I can do it all on a desktop (or a even a laptop). Still amazes me.

While I was working on the computer, James was watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (hopefully for last time for this year!). When it finished he said he wanted to watch the "cookie movie" but it "wasn't working" -- turns out he had jammed a coaster (which he calls a cookie) into the VCR along with Rudolph! This morning, after an hour or so of minor VCR surgery involving an ice-pick, a blow torch, and an eye bolt I was able to extract Rudolph and the offending cookie so now, for better or worse, videos are again an entertainment option for James.

Lenore went over to Lloyd & Bev LaPlant's in Grand Rapids yesterday and found the violin of her dreams -- early 1800s from France no less -- so now her once prized Canadian Schryer fiddle is on the market (in case anybody is looking and has a big bag of spare change cluttering up their living room). Tonight we are going to a wild game dinner hosted by Betty and Steve Spigarelli -- should be an enjoyable evening. /dps

P.S. By unpopular demand, James is watching Rudolph "one more time" -- and to think we could be watching something important like NFL playoffs! Oh well, back to data entry!

Piece of Cake

Very calm day under the mask today...combination of an established routine, good music, a sedative, and a pre-treatment progressive relaxation tape made for me by Marsha Driscoll, a friend and colleague in psychology. Just eight more treatments to go. I am starting to feel a bit 'sunburned' in my throat which is a rather strange sensation, though apparently rather common.

Just a quick heads up for folks in the Bemidji area -- on Sunday (15 Feb) afternoon (1:00-5:00) of President's Day weekend we will be having a musical celebration (Open House) to mark the end of my chemo and radiation. We are planning to gather at the new American Indian Resource Center on the BSU campus (see photos below). More details will follow soon but please put it on your calendar -- should be a great time! /dps

Sidewalks & Civility

A pet peeve of mine this winter has been (new) neighbors who don't shovel their sidewalks. Within the past couple years, two houses on my block sold to BSU faculty members who converted what had been single family homes into rental properties, primarily for college students. Although we have a city ordinance specifiying that property owners are responsible for timely snow removal, the landlords have been quick to pass the buck to their student tenants. The tenants meanwhile maintain that it isn't their responsibility (or they don't have a shovel...landlords?). Bottom line is that in a neighborhood of walkers where everyone shovels we now have two stretches of walk that routinely go unshoveled. Seems to me that the civility of a town can accurately be assessed by the provisions made for walkers -- who are most often old, young, poor, and/or disabled. Maybe its time for the city to put some teeth in its ordinance?

Anyway, as I was out shoveling yesterday before my radiation appointment (and muttering under my breath about the incivility of non-shovelers), a bundled up guy came walking up the street from a neighbor's house with shovel in hand. I didn't know him and he introduced himself as the son of an nice old neighbor (until recently a devoted sidewalk traveller). Turns out that the old man is in hospice and is expected to die any day. His son is here from Chicago to help his mom and to spend time with his dad. His mom told him that I had recently "had a tough diagnosis" and so he came up th block to offer a hand with my shovelling! Restored my flagging faith in human civility. He had a bout with cancer 20+ years ago and just wanted to do whatever he could to help. The shovelling was actually going good for me so we just had a long chat. Basking in the pleasure of our conversation I forgot to take my pre-treatment sedative and consequently had another bad experience with the damnable mask! But, with the sedative, today went much better -- and more importantly I am halfway done -- 9 down, 9 to go! /dps

Free radicals

Monday proved to be another anxiety provoking session under the mask but today went pretty well. I had a new technician on Monday and she suggested that the novelty of her presence might have been sufficient to trigger my panic. Possible, although I think it might just have been a Monday thing after a weekend of 'anticipation.' As I prepare for my spring People and the Environment course I keep coming up against new data linking various cancers to environmental degradation (see e.g., the website for Theo Colborn's Our Stolen Future. One of the common denominators in many cancer-causing agents is the production of so-called free radicals, ionic forms of elements (oxygen in particular) that disrupt fundamental cellular processes. Seems like an ironic label in these times. On a human scale, we need all the 'free radicals' we can get. In this context, a free radical is a person with the autonomy and the will do dig deeply enough into root causes of events to allow the development of solutions that are not mere bandaids. For example, as Colborn's website shows, the root causes of cancer can be found in an economic system of production and consumption that 'socializes cost and privatizes gain.' Until we can transcend the inherent limitations of such a system we will be left to treating cancer rather than preventing it. /dps

Animal crackers make me sick...

Nothing to do with PETA or other animal rights organizations -- turns out that one of the possible side effects of radiation is that certain foods/tastes/odors become disagreeable. This morning I found out that I won't be snitching any of James' animal crackers. They taste absolutely terrible to me. I was so convinced that they had somehow 'gone bad' that I didn't think James should eat them but then Lenore tasted them and said they were fine. Very strange. I have had an odd taste in my mouth the past couple days (another expected side effect) but this animal cracker revulsion was something completely new and unexpected (especially since they usually strike me as rather tasteless). I am hoping that I don't have too many more surprises like this since my appetite has yet to recover. Also the radiation therapy seems to make me very tired -- I took a three hour nap yesterday afternoon and was fading away again by nine o'clock. On the positive side, my mask claustrophobia/anxiety problem seems to be subsiding. Treatments Thursday and Friday proceded without interruption; five down, thirteen to go. /dps

Radiation II, Minneapolis, Radiation III

The second round of radiation went much better than the first (although I did end up opting for the chemical assistance along with the music). Now that I know what to expect it doesn't seem quite so bad. Following Tuesday's session and a planning meeting for a spring course at BSU I headed to Minneapolis. Long drive with the residual effects of the sedative. I stopped for supper in Motley and gulped a pot of coffee which got me to Jack & Cindy's for the night. I usually do 'books-on-tape' on the drive and for something different on the first leg I decided to listen to 60+ Shakespeare sonnets. I have got to admit that most of them really didn't do much for me (and contributed to my drowsiness). After that, I switched to Steinbeck's "Mice and Men" and the rest of the trip flew by -- a near perfect story for a book on tape. Got my work accomplished at the U yesterday thanks to Jessie Eastman (Graduate Program secretary in my department) and Cynthia McGill (Institution Review Board officer). Both went above and beyond the call of duty so it looks like my research is still on track. I got back at 3:00 pm yesterday and went directly to the clinic for round III. After some initial anxiety, things went pretty well and very quickly (didn't even last through two songs!) so I think the worst might be behind me. I also had my weekly meeting with Dr. Bollinger (my radiation oncologist) who assured me again that everything is going well. Today I have followup blood work from my last round of chemo and meet with Dr. Shahidi (my chemo oncologist). I am curious to see how my red and white blood cell counts are doing. I am generally feeling pretty good although I still tire quickly and have had a minor but persistent cold for the past couple weeks -- I suspect that both red and white counts have yet to rebound fully. They will also measure levels of the LDH enzyme in the blood. Unusually high levels of this enzyme are associated with tumor activity somewhere in the body so here's to hoping LDH levels are normal. On the positive side, my hair is starting to grow again (not really noticeably unless you really look close) so that is reassuring. On the other hand, I am getting used to the convenience of a shaved head -- no 'hat hair' or 'bed head' and it saves on the shampoo budget! /dps

Claustrophobia and anxiety: 1 down, 17 to go!

First radiation treatment today. Not at all pleasant. I had to stop the process twice because of overwhelming waves of anxiety/claustrophobia. They did cut eye holes in my mask which helped somewhat and I now have a prescription for a mild tranquilizer if necessary. I am going to try again tomorrow without "drugs" -- I'll bring some favorite music and see if I can get lost in that. Today took a bit longer than will subsequent treatments because they were marking targets on the mask, taking pictures, and calibrating the delivery apparatus. Hopefully things will go quicker and better tomorrow. Everthing seems to go OK for the first five minutes or until the technicians leave the room -- which ever comes first -- then panic unlike anything I have ever experienced. I feel like I am suffocating, can't swallow, absolutely need to get free of my mask restraint! All in all, a bad scene (although the radiation treatment itself is no major trauma). Heading to Mpls tomorrow afternoon to take care of some "hoop jumping" at the U then back here Wednesday pm for treatment three. At least the end is in sight -- 28 January but who's counting. /dps

No real news...

Had a wonderfully relaxing and uneventful weekend. No significant lingering effects from the chemo and actually felt almost back to normal (until I tried to anything that required more than a little physical exertion!). We took down our Christmas tree today and packed all that stuff up for another year -- not sure James was ready for Christmas to end. Wood stove is going 24/7 and it looks like -20 F is likely tonight. Radiation starts tomorrow -- back into the dreaded mask... /dps

Hockey Night in Bemidji

Sounds like real January weather is on the way the way so I spent this morning banking up the backside of our house and filling the woodbox with some really fine white oak. We had lunch with our friends Kate and Scott and their kids Cole and Ada. We had an enjoyable visit in spite of James being in "Mine!" mode. Ada and James are about the same age so it is always fun when they get together. Tonight, Grandma Norma is taking care of James while Lenore goes out for dinner with a group of girlfriends. After dinner, Lenore and James are going to try a "sleepover at Nanu's house." James is excited! So, I could stay home and work... I do still have some catching up to do plus dissertation work is always there...or I could go over to the the BSU vs. Air Force hockey game. Tough call. It should be an interesting game since the respective head coaches are Tom and Frank Serratore, brothers who grew up playing hockey on 'da raynch' -- I usually try to take in at least one game a year and the Beavers are starting to play pretty well so I think tonight is the night. On the other hand, I could stay home and read another hundred pages or so on theories of education...hmmmm???

Changing the subject, we had a couple more reminders in recent days about the fragility of life. Fortunately, both cases were just near misses but it still really gets your attention. Lenore's sister Kathleen went for a walk with a friend on the long-frozen Mississippi New Years Eve and both ended up falling through thin ice into deep water (in a strong current). They were able to pull themselves out but then had to walk a quarter mile back to the house and by that time their clothes were frozen solid. Kathleen prides herself on swimming in Lake Marquette before her birthday in early May but starting in January is carrying things a bit too far! Then last night, my teenage nephew Brendon -- who I hear is generally pretty good about wearing a helmet -- was driving a friend's four-wheeler helmetless and rolled it over. He landed pretty hard directly on his head and ended up losing consciousness and visiting the emergency room. They even did a CT scan to make sure there was no fluid buildup with his cranium. Quite the memorable way to start a new year in both cases. Anyway...

"Let's play hockey!" (I'll come home and work in my cozy, warm basement after the game!) /dps

Later: BSU 3 Air Force 1

Looking forward, looking back...

Paid round one of my medical bills today...caught up with all that was billed in 2003...so far the total is approaching $15,000 through early December but fortunately insurance has covered most of that. I am guessing that number will at least double before the end of January. Good thing we followed Lenore's risk averse instincts!

Busy day working on dissertation stuff today and am optimistic that I will have my PhD in hand before this time next year. Now if I can only turn it into a real job.../dps