Moment of calm

Today is an odd day. I am feeling better than I have felt since mid-September and slept straight though the last two nights -- first time for that since early October. My day began with taking out Preece's dock with the help of our wonderful Lake Marquette neighbors the Macks. We of course waited for the first single digit morning of the year! There is a bit of ice around the edges of the lake and we were greeted by a migrating family of trumpeter swans. Usually this time of year finds me gearing up for whitefish netting which opens Saturday but I really don't know if I'll be able to get out this year. I'd like to fish at least a couple days just as a matter of principle but I guess we'll have to wait and see. My surgery has healed to the point where I don't even notice it for extended periods of time so I can almost forget about what is to come. At the same time, the inescapable feeling that today will be my last 'normal day' for a while has made the day feel anything but normal. Over the next four days I am expecting to spend 25-30 hours at the clinic and hospital (increasing my cumulative lifetime total by approximately 50%!). I hope to spend most of this afternoon getting things in order for my classes (both the ones I am taking and the ones I am teaching) but I am already realizing I have more to do than I can possibly accomplish so maybe I'll just do the most critical tasks and then go for a walk. I've also got a couple stacks of well-seasoned birch out in the woods at Lake Marquette so I think James and I will run out and pick those up this afternoon to top off the woodshed and woodbox before tomorrow's expected snow.

Part of me wants to spend every spare minute taking a crash course in cancer biology. Somehow the fact that I can understand the biochemical details of the treatment regime seems very empowering; it also affirms my confidence in what my doctors are doing. At the same time, another part of me would just as soon not think about this stuff anymore than is absolutely necessary. For now, there is an odd sort of equilibrium between these two urges to the point where I feel like I am doing a just enough of both. I've learned quite a bit about Rituxan, the magic "silver bullet" but really don't understand the workings of CHOP very well -- perhaps because the shotgun approach of CHOP leads to nasty side effects that I'd just as soon not dwell on. Hopefully, I'll know more about that before Thursday but I can't help but wonder if mending my whitefish nets wouldn't be better for my health...for now on to work, a walk, and a woodpile.